85: 10 Tips to Get You Through the Holidays as a Childless Woman

The holidays are probably one of the toughest times for childless women.  Grief can hit at unexpected moments and the triggers seem to be all over the place.  They hit our social media feeds, our shopping excursions,  and the middle of the football game on TV.  Even a quick trip to the grocery store can seem daunting. 

One of the hardest things about it might be imagining how futures holidays might look without all the traditions you thought you'd be creating with your kids. 

I know how this all feels and yet, I've managed to create a holiday season that I absolutely love.  On this episode, I share my best 10 tips for you to create yours. 

You'll find out:

• how to process the grief that comes up
• how to prepare for the potential triggers and release them
• what to do if you want to redesign your holidays in a way that feels good for you

Head to Sheri's Instagram Account and DM her "ep 85" if you'd like a copy of the free guide that goes along with this episode.

Where to find Sheri:

Instagram: @sherijohnsoncoaching
Website: sherijohnson.ca

References from this episode:

Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown

If you want to create your best life in 2024, even without kids, download my free guide.  You'll discover how to find purpose, joy and fulfillment and what might be standing in the way. 
Click here for your free guide

Transcript

 Okay, this is the first in a series of solo episodes between now and January 1st, and these episodes are really going to help you create the holidays that you desire.  It doesn't even matter what holiday you're in, so even if it's after January the 1st when you're listening to this, keep on listening.

I'm Canadian, but it is just about U. S. Thanksgiving,  and then in my culture there's Christmas.  But these episodes really apply to all the holidays and events that might feel as though they revolve around kids in whatever culture you're in.  It could be Halloween, Easter, Hanukkah, even Mother's Day, whatever it is. 

If you are here and you are trying to accept your childless future, you're probably already dreading all the ads, the Santa's at the mall, and the Christmas morning pictures of all the happy kids living out the traditions that you imagined. You'd be living  and I'm here to show you how to create a holiday that you want Instead of just trying to get through all of that It's actually possible to enjoy every bit of the holidays.

And if you want that then keep on listening  Hi, I'm Sherry Johnson and you are about to discover how to embrace your life as a childless woman who wanted to have a family And never could this is where we combine Mindset shifting tools with practical tips so you can break free of anxiety outdated societal norms that condition us all to believe that women without kids just don't measure up to the moms. 

It's where we take action on processing grief and accelerating the healing journey so you can feel free.  When childless women awaken their self worth, they transform from hopeless and inadequate to worthy, accepting, and purposeful.  Think of this podcast as your weekly dose of light bulb moments that will shift your perspective as a childless woman about yourself, about your innate power to change yourself, your future, and maybe even the world we live in.

If that's what you want, then keep on listening.  Six years ago, I was just starting out my journey as someone who knew she was never having kids of her own. And I really sort of dreaded the holidays then, at least parts of it. I knew, you know, my sister had kids and my parents were all about the kids once they were born and my husband's family too.

It's all about the gifts and the playtime, the presents and all the events in my little town also seemed to center around kids. There were no  adult parties or adult  community events that were centered around Christmas.  They were all, you know, the parade and there's this thing called old fashioned Christmas in my town where it's hot chocolate and fun activities for the kids and face painting and all those things. 

So  I really, you know, I hid from all of those things. I didn't want to go. I. I knew I needed to get together with my family. I knew that was going to happen, but there were parts of it that I knew were going to be really hard.  Today I'm in a much different place and I want you to know that it's possible to have a holiday That you love, that you don't have to just get through it, that you can actually really look forward to the holidays again, and it doesn't take that much effort or work. 

So I'm going to share with you 10 tips for not just getting through the holidays, but creating a holiday that you desire.  And before we get into those tips.  I'm going to, because there's 10 of them, I'm going to kind of focus them into three different areas. So those three areas are grief,  triggers, and your desires.

So grief, of course, this is bound to come up during the holidays and it can be really tough to watch your siblings or your friends creating those traditions and doing all the things that you imagined you would do with your own kids.  And  it can really bring up some deep sadness for all that you feel could have been. 

So grief is bound to surface at some point during the holidays and I want to give you some tips on how to get through that.  Then there are triggers which you may have heard me say this before, you might not have, but triggers are actually different from grief. They might even cause or they might have, they might be coming up because of your circumstances, but  I'm sure that you recognize that with triggers, there are a whole bunch of emotions that come up that are actually quite different than grief.

There's envy, for example, there's this feeling that you don't belong or that you're not as good as the mothers or your siblings because they have kids or whatever the case may be. That's not grief. Um, there's those kinds of triggers and envy and the feelings of exclusion, all of that. And then there's also questions about.

Your status, maybe from family members who haven't seen you for a while or maybe from, you know, people that don't know you that well and see you at a party.  And then there's also the feelings of loneliness, or maybe this falls into the exclusion category when your parents' focus all that attention on the grandkids. 

So that's the triggers and there's, I'm going to give you some tips on how to get through those types of triggers.  Then there are your desires and tapping into your desires outside of course, having the kids that you wanted can also really be a challenge when grief or triggers sort of overwhelm your desires and  we also As childless women, the path to becoming a mom  can really be all consuming.

Whether that is finding a partner who wants to have children,  Whether that is you have a partner and you're trying to figure out a fertility journey whether that is you're in an LGBTQ couple and you're trying to  Also do the fertility treatments or afford it or adopt as a couple There's so many different things that can lead you to the end of that road. 

My experience is that most of those things kind of are all consuming.  And so that desire to have children becomes such a focus that you lose sight of all of your other desires. You lose sight of other dreams, other joys  and part of the desire area of these tips that, that kind of pillar  is about tapping back into what your true self, your soul desires. 

So here are my top 10 tips. And by the way, these are all tips that we really delve into inside of both my one on one coaching and my group immersion. I obviously can't get into absolutely everything that we cover in a three month.  So I'm giving you the Coles notes version, but then I will be delving into some of the specifics over the course of the next few weeks.

So stay tuned for those upcoming episodes.  All right, so we're going to get into the grief section first  and I have three tips for you in the grief area. So how to navigate or process grief during the holidays when that can feel pretty heavy.  So here's number one,  create your self support system.  This is something that I actually learned partially from Tony Robbins. 

What he, what I learned from him is that so much of our suffering is caused by expectations that we have for, of other people.  We expect things of the people around us. For example, I expected My friends and family to give me a call when I was going through my miscarriages and my fertility journey I thought that they would just call me and say how are you doing? 

And that didn't happen  I think what I just had  one or two people in my life who did that  and  If I had, you know, because I had those expectations, I was also then disappointed.  What Tony Robbins says is that if you don't have those expectations in the first place,  we save ourselves a lot of suffering. 

So what would happen if we simply dropped those expectations and learned how to find a source of support from within? And we do all have that source of support. Within us, that source might be God for you. It might be your soul. It might even be your higher self or your future self.  You know, if you imagine your future self  and what that person looks like, what that pert not looks like in the physical sense, but who that person is. 

And imagine that person.  What they might say to you, how they might support, you know,  so regardless of what your support is, there's a way that you can tap into that source within you.  And there's a few different ways that you can do this. It's one of, it's actually one of the first things that you learn to do when you start working with me. 

And I'm going to give you one of those things right here because it's, it can be really simple.  Just sort of maybe sinking into a meditation or a quiet place, begin to imagine that a loving pair of arms is embracing you during those moments of grief. Maybe  there's a hand on the small of your back or on your shoulders or holding your hands. 

That it might be, you know, maybe it's your angels. Maybe that's spirit. Maybe it's just an imagined future version of yourself.  This kind of visualization can be very effective.  So that's the first tip is Creating your self support system.  Number two tip is to release your emotions. So one of the first things we do when we start to feel the tough emotions is to distract ourselves. 

And the holidays can be busy. There's more to do than usual, more social events, more shopping, more cooking,  more cleaning.  If you're the one doing the hosting. And so it, it becomes pretty easy to shove our emotions down and just tell ourselves, I'll deal with that later.  It's also easy to numb.  There are lots of vices around at any time of the year and during the holidays.

Those seem to amplify. So maybe your vice is wine or some other kind of alcohol. Maybe it's sugar, maybe it's, or some other kind of food, whatever it is. There are lots of ways to numb. And that is a very human thing to do, so don't feel judged if you're doing that. But it is a way that we humans use to cover up or bury our difficult emotions. 

And the thing is,  that the only way to actually get through grief  is to go through it. You don't get over it, you need to actually go through it. You must feel the emotion if you want to release it,  otherwise it just gets buried away and it will eke out when you least,  least expect it. It'll be in the middle of a social function or a family gathering or somewhere where you don't have control over how you handle it.

And so then you cover it up again because you try to fight back those tears you put on a happy face and you're right back where you started.  Someone said to me once that, that pushing down grief is kind of like trying to hold a beach ball underneath the water the deeper you try to push it down,  the more it wants to pop back up. 

So I thought that was a brilliant metaphor.  So here's what to do instead of trying to bury. When you feel that sense of longing, or that emptiness, that yearning for what you imagined for your life, when you feel that taking over, just breathe. It sounds so simple, and you hear a lot of people say it, but really, The crux of what you need to do is feel the emotion and breathe through it. 

There's a whole process inside of my program, and there's many ways to actually do this, but underlying all of them  is breathing while you feel the emotion.  So maybe you need to get into a quiet spot to do this as well and do this while it's in your control, find a safe place to do it,  and just allow that emotion to come out.

You probably know that, you know this already, That when you let the tears come, there is, you feel, you almost always feel better afterwards that flow of tears is a release and when you allow it to happen,  you will feel better afterwards.  It doesn't really matter whether it's tears or whether it's anger, whether it's envy, whether it's, it doesn't matter what the emotion is.

Breathe through it.  So that's number two, release the emotions. Number three is Connect.  So I have this book that I absolutely love. It's called Atlas of the Heart. It's by Brene Brown. And in the section on grief, she describes a conversation that she had with David Kessler  and David Kessler was one of The duo, the other one is Elizabeth Kubler Ross.

They created or  discovered, I don't know what the right word is, the five stages of grief.  And so in the conversation that Brene Brown had with David Kessler.  He said this,  what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed.  That doesn't mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them.

The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.  How much truth is there to that statement?  I definitely felt that and it's what I think that most of the world has never learned to do. To be present to the magnitude of a loss without trying to point out the silver lining. 

What that means is that we need to connect. We need someone to hear our story without offering advice or trying to fix it.  So  I encourage you to find someone who you can connect with in your grief. Someone who can actually witness it.  That could be me. It could be the other childless women inside of my program.

Or it might be a therapist, a friend, maybe you have a friend who can really do that for you. Or maybe it's someone else in the childless community. There is a whole  slew of women who are  who now talk about their childless experiences in the community on Instagram, there's Facebook groups, so  find someone who can witness your grief. 

So we're moving into the second pillar or the second area of tips and I've got three tips for you here. around the triggers.  And by the way, I kind of see two different types of triggers. There's things that trigger the grief, the sadness. And then there's also these other triggers that are really, they can cause you to be really reactive.

They're the ones that make you angry, that make you feel hurt, irritated. Envy. Maybe they make you feel excluded.  There, I mentioned some of these earlier on and really these are the ones that are, they're different than grief. So number one here is, so this is actually tip number four.  Break free of societal expectations. 

So a huge reason why or a huge part of why women feel lost during the holidays is because of societal expectations. And I'd even go as far as patriarchy or pronatalism  and or pronatalism they're kind of  one in the same in a lot of ways, or pronatalism is a piece of patriarchy.  And  It shows up in the holidays, in the holiday season like crazy.

We are bombarded with movies and images of the nuclear family getting together for the holidays. The women baking, the dad dressing up as Santa and carving the turkey. Each person in those movies has their quintessential thing that they do. And if you start watching these movies,  They're all really similar.

They all  tout this same version of the holidays.  And I say why not challenge all of that? What I recommend that you do is really notice the moments when you get caught up in how things are supposed to look. And ask yourself, where is this vision stemming from? Is it coming from society or is that coming from what you truly desire?

And challenge that status quo, challenge that, that societal  view of how things are supposed to look and how might it look different for you.  So this is.  Because societal beliefs or societal expectations is not an easy thing to get through. So I'm really simplifying here, but what you're going to need to do is really to get underneath of what are the societal expectations that you're buying into and where do they stem from?

Because really there's 5, 000 years worth of these patriarchal and pronatalist views. that are so deeply ingrained in us. It takes more than a podcast episode to let go of that. But the first thing to do, the first thing is always notice, witness the moments when you get caught up in societal expectations.

That's I think the most important step.  Okay, we're moving on to number five  And this is the second one within the triggers  prepare for The triggers, you know, it's probably gonna happen. You know, what are the things that Cause you to react, cause you to react negatively,  and prepare for them.  I call this having, I call this confident conversations. 

So what I see happening, and this happened to me as well, we're taken off guard when someone asks a question about our family status or makes a comment that hurts, like the,  you don't, you can't possibly understand, you're not a parent.  Or,  you know, suddenly you're at a family gathering and  Everybody's focused on the kids and you're sitting back in the background. 

They seem to really sort of take us off guard.  And one of my tricks is to prepare for those ahead of time, but take some time to put some thought into all these different things that you get asked or the things that people have said to you. And how could you respond in an authentic way that would be compassionate?

Towards both yourself and the person who said it. Because, what, so the people who say these things or make us feel this way,  they have not sat down and put themselves in our shoes the way that we have put ourselves in theirs. It would kind of be like asking  us, to anybody, to put ourselves into the shoes of someone who uses a wheelchair.

If you are not someone who uses a wheelchair and you have full mobility of your body,  You probably haven't actually done that.  And so you can't actually  Unless you actually do that, you can't, you don't, you just don't even think about what their life might be like and what might be tough for them. And aside from the obvious things, I live with someone who uses a wheelchair, so this is close to home for me and until I met him and my husband, that is, and really started to  hang out with him, there are all kinds of things that I never even thought about.

thought about. And it's the same for people who say insensitive things or they don't say anything at all or they don't empathize with us or don't recognize what we're going through.  They have not put themselves in our shoes.  So they don't know that they're hurting us.  So I, what I would, what I love to see is when you can have compassion for both yourself and for them and respond in that way. 

So come up with a few responses to  these types of questions, the insensitive things that people say and practice them so that they come to mind immediately when you, like as soon as you get the question or the comment, what tends to happen is somebody says something and you're just like,  I don't know what to say.

There's this awkward silence, or there's an awkward moment where you just blurt something out and then they don't know what to say.  And you also might not have the courage to say that thing. When you practice it ahead of time, it can It comes a lot easier to mind, first of all, and then you'll also have more courage to actually say it because sometimes these things can be hard. 

And by the way,  there are lots of cheeky, sarcastic ways to respond to people who say things that are insensitive.  And what I say is, if that feels good to you, then use one of those things.  And when I say good,  it makes you feel good, I don't mean something that makes you feel self righteous. Because usually when you say something cheeky, like something sarcastic,  it actually makes you feel self righteous.

It's a so there.  But, if it actually makes you feel good, then use one of those cheekier, sarcastic responses.  For me  I find that those responses, they do, they make me feel self righteous in my judgment of those people who said it to me. And it often makes them feel more awkward for saying it. It's, it shames them  and shame.

is the lowest vibe emotion. It's actually lower, a lower frequency than grief.  And why would I want to make someone feel ashamed or humiliate them for asking a question that they just didn't know was going to make me react the way that I am?  So I don't do that. That's not the answer for me. If that is what makes you feel good, then go ahead and do that. 

Okay. So that was number five.  And that was to prepare for the triggers.  Number six.  This kind of is a tag on to the last one. And the way that I think about this one is lean into a trigger instead of leaning out.  As soon as we're triggered, we tend to retreat.  We get into a back corner when we feel angry or hurt.

We You know, we go home and we vent  we go into ourselves and we, like, especially if you're in a social gathering or you're around other people, you retreat into yourself and you try to cover up the way that you're feeling or you head out to the bathroom or you leave.  And that's okay. There are times when it's going to be too much.

And in those situations, exit that situation, lean out. That's totally fine,  but the other thing that you can do that will ultimately help you to release triggers and let them go is to first notice, noticing, witnessing  what you're going through is always the first step  and then see if you can tease apart it.

Okay.  Everything that's going on in the reactive situation  in the moment, by the way, just breathe through that emotion in the same way as you would breathe through grief,  breathe through the anger, breathe, allow yourself to feel the emotion and breathe through it.  That's why they say to count to 10 before you react, by the way, because it gives you a chance to take some breaths and make them deep breaths because that is actually the breath is what helps you. 

release that emotion.  So that's the first thing that's sort of an aside.  But if you have some time or even if you can get to the bathroom or when you get home,  ask yourself,  how can I empower myself in these situations? How can I move from a feeling of being a victim of this, a victim of this person, a victim of this situation, a victim of being  a childless and having to go through this,  being a victim of this person's hurtful comments.

How can I move from feeling like a victim to someone who's empowered?  And by asking that question, automatically your brain is going to start looking for solutions. It's going to look for ways to become empowered.  The other thing that I like to ask myself is what exactly is the emotion that I am feeling right now?

What does it feel like in my body? There's always a physicality to emotions.  It doesn't really matter what the emotion is, there's always a physical feeling to it. And tap into that.  Ask yourself, when have I felt this before?  Is this the first time I'm feeling this? When have I felt it before? And when have I felt it before, you know, in my earlier adulthood?

Like even before I knew I was going to be a childless woman. When have I felt this before?  Ask yourself, how can I allow myself to feel this and release it?  So hopefully that was helpful. Again, that's kind of the Colesnotes version of leaning into a trigger instead of leaning out.  That's probably one of the hardest things  One of the toughest tips here amongst the 10. 

Okay, so let's get into  the little, I think of these ones as a little more fun.  Let's tap into the desires and the, you know, how to create the happy holidays for yourself.  So we are on number, uh, eight, no, seven,  number seven. Here's number seven. How do you want to feel?  This one is part of my joy formula.  As I said earlier, when so much of women's lives are consumed with either finding a partner, trying to have children, or raising them, even the mothers, they're consumed by raising them, there is very little time spent on tapping into what we actually desire. 

I like to focus It's not on what we desire, but how  you imagine that thing that you think you want will make you feel.  I think I may have gotten this from Danielle Laporte originally,  because she talks a lot about feeling instead of what is the feeling that you desire. So anyways.  What this allows you to do is understand how you actually want to feel and then you can find a plethora of things That actually make you feel that way. 

So  for me, I really want to feel peace.  Sure There's other things I want to feel too. There's joy. There's excitement there's lots of things that I like to feel But one of the things that I like to feel during the holidays is peace  And there are a number of things that make me feel this way. 

Quiet house, a clean, uncluttered house, maybe some slow jazz, a cozy spot on the couch, turning the, we have a gas fireplace, turning the fireplace on.  Those are all things that make me feel peaceful.  If you are someone who wants. The anticipation and the excitement or joy of, say, Christmas morning or  the joy of if it's U.

S. Thanksgiving, you know, getting the family out and playing football.  What are the things that make you feel  that excitement or that anticipation  or that joy?  What are all of the other things that make you feel that way. So, I don't know,  maybe get an advent calendar for yourself. Have an adults only party if you want to feel joyful.

Put on some kind of fast, upbeat music instead of the slow jazz I talked about. anD start dancing. There are so many things that actually bring you  those emotions. It doesn't have to be what you think. It doesn't have to be the kids during holidays. It doesn't have to be what you imagined.  Would bring you those things. 

So that was what did I say? We were on that was number seven How do you want to feel  number eight say no.  Okay first Here's the caveat  you won't say no to the things that you don't feel like doing or attending if you are a people pleaser  If you're a people pleaser, that means you're putting other people's needs and wants before your own  And that really boils down to your self worth,  your self,  you're putting your self below other people. 

So first, in order to feel comfortable saying no, you must awaken your self worth. And that can require some practice. You have to be okay with disappointing people.  That's what putting yourself first is going to do.  And if you feel guilty when you say no to things, that means that you are, you're going against  where you have put your self worth.

So you're still putting yourself on the bottom  if you say no and then feel guilty about it. When you say no and create a boundary and you feel completely confident in that and you're okay with disappointing someone because that may happen, that is when you know your self worth  is. is healthy.  Let's talk about saying no. 

The way that you can practice this, and this is a practice, try saying no to something that feels a bit easier. Don't go for the big thing first.  And think about what your life would look like if you didn't have to give in to obligation.  How many things do you say yes to because you feel obligated?

Because you feel like you need to please your mom, your friend, your boss, whatever it is.  And practice saying no, but also practice saying yes to what lights you up  and do that often.  And  when you think you might, like, or  when you feel like the wrath  that may come up if you say no to something is not worth saying no, because sometimes that might be the case for me, there's no way I could say no to my mom  that I'm not coming to Christmas. 

That would be more painful than actually showing up for Christmas. So,  when you do need to show up, try some of the other tips that I've already walked through. Go back to the triggers and try those tips.  Breathe through the grief. Plan for the insensitive questions. Try some of those other things. But, once again, this tip is about saying no and practicing it on some of the smaller things first. 

And number nine,  how do you want your relationships to look? Relationships are such a big part of the holidays. You interact with more people during the holidays or you can, some people retreat, but most people tend to run into more people.  Something that came out of one of my group coaching sessions in my program was that we tend to lean out of those relationships that are tough or the ones that have kids involved.

For instance,  you might start avoiding. Your siblings, because you just don't want to have to hear about what they're up to and what their kids are doing and what traditions they're creating during the holidays. And  one of my group members suggested this and I thought it was brilliant. Instead,  ask how you can lean into that relationship. 

What do you ideally want your relationship with say your sister or your brother to look like  and How could you be that kind of sister to them? Do you want a relationship with your niece or nephew or the other kids in your life?  I asked myself, how can I be  a really great aunt to my nieces and nephews.

How can I be a really great neighbor to the kids next door? What would that look like? What would I look like? What kind of person would I be if I could lean into? Those relationships instead of leaning out.  Also, not always an easy thing to do,  but start the process. See what happens when you just ask yourself, what have I leaned into this relationship instead of trying to retreat from it?

And now we're at number 10 and this is one that is just kind of,  maybe not necessarily part of the desires, but just something that I really find has, I have found, has been helpful over the years.  Be the light. I hear a lot of childless women say that they're a bit lost, they're unsure of their purpose now that they're not having kids and my answer to that  is that raising kids is not a purpose. 

If it was, then 80 percent of the adult population would all have the same purpose and that just is not the case. And 100 percent of those whose kids are now adults would have no purpose.  And yet, have you come across a mother who has something else in her life that feels really meaningful and fulfilling? 

Have you ever come across a childless woman who has a lot of meaning and fulfillment in her life?  By the way, I'm one of them, so if you need an example.  So I say if you don't have a cause or a goal. Group of people that you serve in the way that I do or you don't have something that you're passionate about Then simply be the light.

I get up every day and say this prayer. So here's the tip  I say this prayer to the universe you can choose who you want to say this to or maybe it's nobody Maybe it's just to yourself. It's it could be a mantra  I think the original came from the chorus and miracles  and My words are probably slightly different as I've changed over time,  but what I say is, what would you have me do? 

Who would you have me serve?  What would you have me say?  Open my connection and show me the way.  And just saying those words every morning does something to open me up to being the light.  So, there you have it, my 10 tips for getting through the holidays and creating a beautiful holiday season, I stress the and. 

These episodes, by the way, come with my brand new guide to the holidays for childless women.  It's called a Childless Women's Guide to the Holidays. And if you want a copy of that, just hop on over to my Instagram account at sherryjohnsoncoaching and DM me the word guide.  So DM me the word guide if you want a copy of that Guide to the Holidays for Childless Women. 

That's it for today, thank you so much for listening, I would love to know what you think of this episode, and I will see you next week for one of those episodes where we're going to dive in more deeply to getting through the holiday season and making it a good one. So tune back in next week. Bye for now. 

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