116: How to Answer The "Insensitive" Questions and Comments

Do you have kids?  Who's going to take care of you when you're old?  What's your purpose then?  You can borrow my kids anytime!

You've probably heard them all, or at least some of the questions and comments that bother us women without kids.  Maybe you've thought to yourself, or maybe even out loud, "I wish people would just stop asking questions or saying insensitive things".   And if you have, you might have noticed that there's always someone else who says something that gets under your skin and sometimes it comes right out of left field.

I'll let you in on a secret: it will never end.  There will always be another mole in this endless game of wac-a-mole.  Unless you heal the wound that is continuously being triggered by these questions and comments. 

If you want to find out how to respond with authenticity and grace, have a listen to this episode, the first in a series during which I'll share my secrets.

 And if you really want to go all in, summer is the perfect time to join the Women of Worthy Program!  Your summer is going to get a whole lot better in the few weeks that are left, and you’ll be in a much better position to handle all the social media stuff around back to school and Halloween.  Send me a DM on Instagram with the word SUMMER and I’ll share the details.

Where to find Sheri:
Instagram: @sherijohnsoncoaching
Website: sherijohnson.ca

Where to find Sheri:
Instagram: @sherijohnsoncoaching
Website: sherijohnson.ca

Transcript

@0:00 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I am aware that most women who don't have kids feel at the very least annoyed annoyed at some of the questions, advice, and comments that we receive.

Even the women who choose not to have kids, at least some of them, tell me that they get annoyed when parents tell them that they'll change their mind as an example.

If you're someone who didn't intentionally choose not to have kids, you might be annoyed, or maybe these even send you into a tailspin.

You might be annoyed by questions about whether you have kids or not, whether you like kids or not, why you didn't have them, why you should.

And yet educating parents on why these questions aren't appropriate doesn't actually resolve it. And I put appropriate in air quotes because whether they're appropriate or not, it doesn't actually matter and that is actually a matter of argument, especially if you talk to a parent.

So, I'm not going to get into that just now, but the reason why educating parents on why they shouldn't ask these questions is that the particular person that you asked not to do that might not ask that question again, but it's almost like you have to educate them on every single little question or comment because they don't transfer the knowledge from one situation to the next.

And what's on top of that is that there's always another person to ask the question and they always show.

what we least expect it. So if educating is not the answer, then what is? That's what this episode is all about.

Let's dive in. Welcome to the Awakening with podcast. Welcome back. If you have listened before, I'm Sherri Johnson. I'm your host.

And today, I really want to talk about all the questions, comments, remarks, advice, stuff that we hear from other people, usually parents about our status.

And we often face intrusive questions and insensitive remarks about not having kids. And I want to talk to you about what you can do about this.

This is actually the first episode in a series. So I'm going to tell you exactly what what's coming over the course of the summer but I'm going to record some short episodes that are going to really help you to get through some of this.

So the reason I want to do this is because I know how uncomfortable, frustrated, awkward, maybe even shameful these questions can be or the way they make us feel.

When we're asked about our personal lives in social situations, it can be really awkward when we don't know how to respond and these kinds of interactions when they come up can actually lead to feelings of isolation, maybe self-doubt, maybe loneliness, all kinds of sort of negative things.

I definitely felt that way when these questions and comments and things came up and every once in a while I still do.

I've got a pretty good process down for, for how to respond, but there's always something that takes me by surprise, and, and I'm stumped on the spot.

So I'm going to share what I've learned so far. And I'm going to share what I've learned so far.

If you had asked me what I wanted back when I was first going through, when I was first kind of starting the first few steps as permanently childless, child-free woman, I would have responded, well, I wish they would all just stop asking.

I wish people would just stop making insensitive comments. I wish, I wish, I wish. And when you are in this state of wishing, it's actually a really disempowering state.

like a victim. At least that's how it made me feel. So what I am now is that underneath of that wishing.

Once I actually asked a different question, like, what do I really want? What would make me feel better? Is that I wanted to feel confident and empowered and authentic in my responses to questions and comments about my status, my situation, my circumstances.

I wanted to just be able to say what was on my mind and express myself boldly and courageously, but I also didn't want to fear judgment or criticism if I did that.

And I also wanted to maintain a level of self respect in the face of these remarks and questions. I didn't want to react harshly.

I didn't want to respond. and angrily. I still wanted to maintain in most cases a loving relationship with the person I was talking to or at least a friendly one if it was a stranger or an acquaintance.

And I didn't want to make them feel bad for asking the question. I felt that that was not for me.

I didn't want to I didn't want to make somebody feel bad. I understood I think inherently that most of the time people have good intentions or they just don't think.

Most of us don't think. I'm going to get into that actually little bit later. So so I really want to get into why you might be feeling this way and partly it might be because of the societal norms which I've talked about before which often equate womanhood with motherhood and that creates this bias against

all those women. It's a, and when I say bias, I sort of think of it as a big misunderstanding.

I think once you, even before you become a parent, you are still someone who assumes you will become a parent.

So you don't actually understand what it's like to desire to have kids and never get to have them. So there really is this real misunderstanding of how it feels, what we're going through, all of those things.

There's also a lack of awareness and sensitivity among the general public regarding the personal and complex reasons behind being childless.

You know, I think there is just this perception among parents that you either, you either couldn't have them or you chose not to, but sometimes it's a pretty,

a complicated situation that got you to where you are, or sometimes it's simple, but yet still misunderstood, you just didn't meet the right person, so you never got there.

But behind that, there's all kinds of reasons why you didn't choose to go forward with having a child on your own, or adopting, or doing all of those other things.

So even while it might appear simple on the surface, there's generally a lot of complexity that went on behind the scenes.

Another reason you might be feeling this way is that you simply haven't been taught how to express your pain with love.

And most of us, most women, are taught to stifle what get into it. the state of, well, they're taught to stifle their emotions.

Women, at least women around my generation, we're supposed to be nice girls. We weren't supposed to get angry. We weren't supposed to be too aggressive.

We weren't supposed to be too much. We were supposed to be nice, and quiet, and friendly, and all those things.

So expressing emotions. We didn't do that. We we stifled what we really thought in an effort to be nice.

And then eventually, we blow up like a pressure cooker. When that last little comment, you know, the straw that breaks the camel's back, that last little thing that just causes the eruption, you finally blow up because you can't hold it any longer.

So you might be feeling that we because you just haven't been taught how to express yourself in a loving way.

And I certainly, I think I don't know, I don't know. of many of us are actually taught how to have difficult conversations in an open and honest way.

I think that's changing, and I think a lot of us are trying. We'll try, but it's, um, I don't know, maybe I'm making generalizations, but this was my experience.

So, so take, you know, a lot of what I speak about is from my experience, from my coaching experience, um, from my experience with other therapists and counselors and coaches, but there's always someone who doesn't feel the way that I do.

So, if you are one of those people, that's okay. You don't have to believe what I believe. You don't have to listen to what I have to say.

So, all I ask is that you maybe just get curious about what I'm talking about, because it might be different from what you've heard before, and just

Ask yourself if there is some truth to it. Maybe start with that. Okay, so back to what I really wanted to say.

What I find that people are doing to try to solve this problem of not knowing what to say blowing up or just saying something quick and experiencing or getting through the awkward pause afterwards.

I used to sort of clam up. And I'd give a one word answer and there'd be that awkward pause over after.

And I would just sort of brush it under the carpet and try to move on to another topic. And maybe you're some of the social associations or conversations where the topic of children might come up.

But it's kind of hard to avoid them all. Maybe you're someone who offers some sort of polite but. vague response to deflect the conversation and then change the subject, that's a way that people try to respond to the problem and sometimes I do that as well.

Or if you're really courageous, you might even try to explain or justify yourself in some sort of attempt to gain understanding, to make a connection.

And sometimes that works. In fact, I think that's the best solution but I'm going to really get into taking that whole other step further or maybe in a different direction.

The reason that these sort of quick responses and try to change the conversation, why they're not working, what I realized is that even though none of this feels very confident or authentic or

are empowered, we keep doing it because we hope that raising awareness and posting on Instagram in the back end about what other questions you can ask someone when you first meet or giving parents other options or telling the asking them and not to ask these questions.

We keep doing the same thing and we hope that raising. Okay, let me start that whole section over again.

So let's talk about why what we're currently doing to solve this problem to try to get that maybe it is

for you. Maybe for you, the best solution is to just walk away and ignore the awkward pause. For me, that didn't feel good.

That didn't feel empowered. That didn't feel authentic to me. It just didn't really feel good. And so to me, it wasn't working.

And I think what a lot of us will do is just sort of retreat and ignore those conversations and keep trying to raise awareness or to keep hoping that the people in this space will raise awareness, because that's what a lot of people do.

post on Instagram and offer up other questions for parents to ask people, for people to ask people when they first meet.

You don't have to ask, do you have kids? There's all these other options. they give those or they say to stop asking people whether they have kids or not.

Stop asking people why they don't have kids. Stop making assumptions. all these posts in an attempt to raise awareness and we hope that eventually there's going to be so much awareness raised that people stop asking the awkward questions.

But it doesn't actually work because we just can't create the kind of reach that's needed in order to educate.

And there will always be another kind of question that we haven't covered or another something. It's just too big.

Not that those efforts are futile. think raising awareness is important. think diversity and inclusion, all of those things are important.

But they're not going to help you heal. And that's what I want to get at. Something else that doesn't work is actually retreating into yourself.

And I talked a little bit about this on episode one. and 14 about loneliness. When we retreat, when we shut down, when we avoid social interactions, it actually makes you feel even more isolated.

It increases the feelings of loneliness. I definitely felt that. And the vague responses, that's something else that we do, that might not really address the underlying discomfort.

It's not going to change the social attitudes. It doesn't actually really help either. So, oh, and the last thing that I want to say is that sometimes explaining or justifying or trying to open those conversations, I also know that that can sometimes be exhausting, especially if it's with people that you don't know, you might just not want to get into it.

And that's something that I understand as well. So, let me get into I'm going to briefly describe a few of the things that I started doing that have helped to shift this for me.

And I'm actually going to get into these in much more depth in future episodes. So I'm just going to outline them here for you today, giving you a taste.

And I want to keep these summer episodes short. So the first thing is to embrace authenticity. So instead of deflecting or avoiding the topic, embracing authenticity would look like responding confidently and truthfully to the questions about being childless.

It's about owning it, actually. That's how I think of it. It's owning my status, owning my identity, if you want to call it that.

And responding confidently, instead of feeling like I need to shrink. So that's, I'm going to talk about how to do that.

In a future episode, setting boundaries is a second one, and this is for those times when it's someone that you maybe don't know that well or someone that you just don't want to talk to about it, you can very politely set boundaries with people who ask something that's a bit too intrusive or feels insensitive, and just make it clear that you just don't want to talk about that, and it's not up for debate or judgment, so setting boundaries is another thing, that's the second thing, the third, reframe the narrative, so when it comes up that you don't have kids, can you reframe the conversation to focus on the positive aspects of your life and the fulfilling experiences you

that you have as a woman without kids. So sometimes the question isn't just do you have kids, there might be something else, like, oh, you don't like kids?

Or gosh, there's a whole bunch of different questions that I'm actually going to, questions, comments, remarks. You know, I've heard of people saying, well, what's your purpose then for even being on earth?

Well, that's something we can reframe. So that's number three is reframing that narrative, reframe the conversation. Number three is educate and advocate.

So I talked earlier about how that's not the best option, but there is a place for it. So you can use these kinds of interactions as an opportunity to educate others about, you know, the diverse paths that land you on the path as a woman without kids.

and there may be an opportunity to educate and advocate for yourself and that can especially be important in the workplace is important in many cases but in the workplace I feel as though that is a really important place to encourage that diversity and inclusion where there just tend to be some bias towards or against women with advocates and this last one that I want to add is number five this is kind of bonus one and it's a little bit different than maybe what you've heard but I have found that the most effective way to dissipate annoyance or hurt that you're feeling from another person is to muster up compassion when I have done this it actually

It shows me how to have more compassion for myself, and when I feel compassion towards them and really put myself in their shoes and get curious about what would actually make them ask that question.

What would actually make them state or make that particular comment, and when I do that, it forces my brain into a completely different headspace.

It moves me from anger or annoyance or frustration or awkward into, hmm, I wonder what's behind that question, and that is a completely different kind of energy.

When I get into this headspace, I also make the assumption feel like I I feel feel I I I I I

that 90% of the time the words that come out of people's mouths are about the person who makes who's talking it's not the person we're talking to so.

Me what I talk 90% of the time i'm just saying what's coming into my head based on my experiences my lens what's going on If I say something that is intentionally hurtful it's of course never intended to hurt someone i'm just thinking of my own stuff and i'm reacting to what they're saying based on my experiences.

So if we can assume that when someone makes a comment to us it's not actually about us it doesn't mean anything about us it means something about them it's always about them.

them. And then we can start to ask the question, well, what is it about them that made them ask that question?

If it doesn't mean anything about me, then what made them ask the question? What experience did they have that gave them this lens that they're now seeing me through?

So that, these five things, those are just a taste. They might be fairly elusive to you at the moment because I didn't take a ton of time to explain them all, but I've talked about a lot of them before on the podcast.

And in, as I said, in the coming episodes over the summer, I'm going to do some short episodes on some of the questions, the common ones, common questions, common remarks, advice, some of the things that people say to

to women who don't have kids and how to respond to them in a way that feels good, in a way that feels authentic and also loving instead of angry.

So just to give you a little bit of a taste, some of the things that I'm going to answer or that I'm going to talk about is the first question, do you have kids most common one that throws people off?

You can borrow my kids anytime. I think that's one that that happens quite a bit. You can't possibly know unconditional love.

Women without kids are selfish. So some of the I'm going to really just break these down and help you to respond to these kinds of things and how to react to them if it's by somebody else.

And so if you want more of that, tune in each week over the summer and I'll give you some short, I'm thinking 15 to 20.

minute episodes and and tune in to find out more about how to answer those questions and how to to get through the comments and remarks and advice.

And if you really want to go all in, summer is the perfect time to join my Women of Worth Group program.

Your summer is going to get a whole lot better in the few weeks that are left because I think there's about six maybe, but by the time this episode comes out and you will be also in a much better position to handle all of the social media stuff around back to school and then it's Halloween and all of the kid centric stuff that's coming up in the fall, you will be in such a good position to handle all of that.

So if you want to dive in this summer, send me a DM on Instagram with the word summer and I will share the details for my program. That is it for today's episode. Tune back in, as I said, for some more on this topic next week, and that's it for now.