121: The Keys to Responding to "You're So Lucky You Don't Have Kids"

This might be one of the most "triggering" remarks that parents make to people who don't have kids.  If you wanted kids, you sure don't feel very lucky, right?  In fact, you might feel pretty unlucky. 

Have you had this scenario come up before?  I have and I'm going to walk through the steps I used to handle it with love and kindness. 

This is the last solo episode in my summer series on responding authentically to all the questions and remarks we get as women without kids.  I'll share:

• the sign that you're on the "treadmill of triggers"
• how to shift your mindset and approach this question with grace
• options for responding in different scenarios

If you are someone who wants to be prepared for ALL the insensitive remarks and questions - whatever comes your way - send me a DM to @sherijohnsoncoaching with the words "episode 121" and I'll show you what you can do next.

   

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Transcript

Of all the things that people say to us, the ones who don’t have kids, there are a few remarks that really stand out.  

And I have a feeling that you're so lucky you don't have kids is a big one. It's funny, I don't think it actually was for me before we started trying to have kids.

This is a comment that I know people said to me and I don't even remember it because it just rolled right off of me and didn't bother me.

But something switched when we started trying to have kids. And after that, I can tell you that actually only one person ever said it to me and she caught herself before the full sentence came out of her mouth because she knew

what I was going through. But I registered it and in the moment, I was a bit triggered for a moment.

But then I could see exactly why she said it and how to actually have empathy for her. That's what this solo episode is all about.

So stay tuned if you want to know how I break this one down. You're so lucky you don't have kids.

And how to respond to it gracefully. 

Intro

Welcome back. And welcome if you're new here. So I am super excited.

I have a lot going on right now. I'm gearing up for something really big that I'm going to release soon.

So it's been quite a summer and we moved from our home of 12 years into a storage unit and stayed at our Airbnb and then a week ago we moved or two weeks ago now moved from storage into a new house and then preparing this super special new offering.

It has definitely not been a summer of leisure for me through all of that but I'm loving it all the same.

I really, I actually like change and I like new and exciting things. need a lot of variety in my life.

I'm not one of those people that can eat the same thing for breakfast every single day and I can't do the same work every single day.

I have to change it up. So I am loving this summer of new and exciting stuff and I have to admit that through all of this, part of me wonders if I would even.

be doing all of this if I had kids. Moving from our home would probably take a lot more thought about their well-being.

You know, do I want to move my kids to a new town, to a new school? They have to make new friends to get used to a whole new routine and schedule and all of the things.

And I wouldn't be able to also focus as much energy on my business as I do. And I probably wouldn't be doing this special thing that I am planning because it would take a whole week of my life out of a way for my kids if I had them.

Just to give you a little bit of a hint as to what's coming. But gosh, I wouldn't even be in this business of coaching childless women if I did have kids.

So in many ways, I do kind of feel lucky to not have kids at the moment. I know that's probably not where you're at, but I say that so that you know that it's possible to get to this place because I wasn't always here and now I am.

So on that note, this is the sixth and last episode in my summer of authentic conversations to respond gracefully to all the questions and insensitive remarks that we receive as childless women.

So this is going to be the last episode in that series and then I'm actually going to take a couple of weeks break so that I can catch my breath, finish off the summer with a little bit more space than I've had so far and then I'll back in September.

So let's talk about this one. You're so lucky you don't have kids. What happens when you hear this one?

I want you to actually just maybe go back to an instance where it's happened or just imagine because I really want you to get into the headspace of this.

You probably sort of chuckle and then retreat internally to maybe see you feel annoyed, hurt, how could anybody be so oblivious to how this might feel for me, someone who wanted kids and didn't get to have them, especially if you're talking to a friend, someone who knows your situation, this can be really, it can feel really hurtful and annoying and infuriating.

And if this is you, you might be stuck on what I call the treadmill of triggers. I just coined that recently.

It feels like a treadmill because you keep running the same responses to these insensitive remarks and questions and that sort of thing.

It does feel like a treadmill because you seem to keep having to do it. And maybe you're someone who's also waiting for the treadmill to just stop at some point.

But if you're stuck on it, this kind of comment might actually send you down that whole feeling like, well, I would like to be so unlucky actually.

And yet you don't get to belong to that club. It makes you feel left out, maybe invalidated, like this person really doesn't understand the other side of the coin.

And when this happens, and again, take yourself back there if this has happened or just imagine that someone has said it to you.

I'm willing to bet that you either retreat and start avoiding people who have kids or at least people like the person who said it to you or maybe you head into a free support group and vent it out with others who understand how this feels and have maybe gotten this remark before.

And while either of those responses might give you a little bit of temporary relief, I will admit that I have been there and I have done those things.

But at the end of the day, you walk away still feeling hurt or angry at the person who said it, and you still feel that same feeling every time you think about it and you still don't have a reasonable response.

So we're going to pull all these all the the episodes that I've already done on this topic in this series together today.

I'm going to first break down the comment and hopefully shift your mindset a little bit. And then I'm going to give you some ideas as to how to actually respond authentically in a way that allows you to speak your mind gracefully.

So, step one is from episode number one, 17. First of all, we're not going to wait for time to make this go away.

If you are someone who's just waiting for that treadmill of triggers to stop and you're going to hop off and everything is going to be fine one day, it unfortunately doesn't work that way.

If you don't actively do something, you're going to be reactive to these types of remarks possibly for the rest of your life.

So, we're going to actually take some action, and you are probably someone who already does that. you're here, you're probably willing to do that.

You're here because you're looking for solutions. So I can see that you're already wanting to take action. And that leads me to step two, which is kind of related from episode 118.

We're going to empower ourselves. People say the things they do, and we actually can't do much to change other people's behavior.

So we're going to take the stance that we can change ourselves, and we're going to work on that. And again, this probably is you.

Maybe it's not. If you're looking for solutions, might be expecting, you know, how can I advocate for toddlers women?

How can I educate other people? and that isn't what this episode is about. This is about changing yourself, changing your own mindset so that the things that people say don't even bother you in the first place.

So that's step two, step three. Curiosity and compassion. These kind of go hand-in-hand and I talked about these in episodes one-sixteen, which is the first in this series.

Maybe this is only episode number five. That's just occurring to me now. Regardless, I talked about this concept, curiosity and compassion in both episodes one-sixteen and one-nineteen.

So I like to go into these situations with a mindset of curiosity. Hmm, why would this person say that?

Can you feel the difference in energy? between that, the way that I just said that, and OMG, how could this person say that?

Why would this person say that? That's totally different energy, right? The second, why would this person say that? That's almost a rhetorical question.

It's expressed infrastration and hurt and anger. Whereas the first, hmm, why would this person say that? When you say it like that, your brain already automatically looks for a response.

So, by asking that question, you can kind of get behind this remark, and what is the person, then what might they be experiencing?

that also will shift you from this person is doing this to me. That's that energy of what, look, why would this person say that?

And it shifts you from that to what would really make this person ask this question. So in my case, I mentioned that someone has said this to me in the recent past after I realized that I was never going to have kids.

And there was definitely some stuff going on for my friend. And I suspect that this is actually often the case.

When my friend started to say, you're so lucky, that's as much as she got out of her mouth before she stopped herself.

She was in the midst of telling me about her teenage daughter, who at the time was seeing a boy who was extremely manipulative, who was, I think, a bit older than her, and he got her into something.

heavy drugs and so she and her parents, my friend, were constantly arguing and my friend was really struggling to handle this all.

She was beyond worried about her daughter. She was angry at this boy and really felt very helpless in the situation because her daughter wasn't listening.

So when she said or started to say those words, you're so lucky to have kids, she was in some pretty deep pain.

To her, my life probably did look pretty attractive. We were standing in my living room, which was peaceful and quiet and I was just kind of going on with my regular day and my regular life.

So maybe my life did look attractive to her in that moment. And, of course, she didn't mean that she no longer wanted her kids.

She just saw that I didn't have this problem that she has in this moment and expressed that she wished she didn't have that problem.

And I'm going to guess that most parents feel this way at some point. I'm willing to bet that there are parents out there who maybe actually didn't want kids.

And they didn't know they had a choice not to have them. And so they do feel unlucky to have the problems that they have in the moment.

We all have problems. Appearance, problems are definitely different than ours, but we all express exasperation or even exhaustion, know, being at our wit's end with a problem.

this is also not the only time we hear this kind of problem. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you've even said something like, you're so lucky, fill in the blank.

I wouldn't be surprised if you've said that to someone else at some point in your life. I don't know, you're so lucky you're not working right now when, because we envision, you know, that person having a life of leisure and we're stuck, like, working 12-hour days or something.

And then we say that to someone who, you know, she just wants a job because she has absolutely no money and about to go on food stamps, can't afford to live.

I don't know, this particular scenario might not be yours, but I know that there are situations where we've probably said something

something like this because we all do. Just maybe think about that for a moment. You might be resisting that part of this that no, you would never say anything like that.

And it's because you're not an insensitive person. Most of us actually aren't. And we definitely don't want to think about ourselves as that way.

And we'd feel horrible if we knew that we had said something quote unquote insensitive and it hurt somebody else.

You're a good person. You'd feel terrible in the same way I would. And yet we do say these things.

Okay, so step four. Once you ask yourself these questions, once you kind of go through these steps and. it really only takes a second when all of this happens inside of your mind.

It's taking me, you know, a few minutes here to describe it, but it only takes a second to sort of flip the switch in your mind.

You just need to remember to do it and when you're reacting to something, that might be a difficult time.

But if you're prepared, it's much easier. So just even sort of preparing yourself and getting in the habit of asking, hmm, what would make this person say that?

would make this person respond this way or ask this question or say this remark? It automatically, as I said, puts you into this different frame of mind.

And that's when you can respond with much more love and kindness. So here's a couple of ways to to respond.

And this is step number four. In a scenario that's similar to mine, where you know that the person who said this to you, you're so lucky you don't have kids, you could respond with something like, well, I don't feel very lucky at the moment as I wanted kids very much, but I can see that you're struggling and then lean in and provide them with the empathy or the compassion that they're looking for.

This can be one of the hardest things to do when you are in pain yourself, but it's also the way to get empathy and compassion in return.

So, what happens when you provide that empathy, they notice they're looking for their pain to be validated in the same way that we are.

So, If you're not actually validating their pain, you're actually doing the same thing that they are in not validating yours.

I'm pausing because it might take a second for that to sink in. And you might also resist that because that's a really tough thing for us to swallow.

But I will say that people, humans, we're not taught how to do this. So it's not your fault. We are not taught how to validate other people's pain.

We're taught how to fix it. We learn how to try to get them to see us over lining. We try to get them out of their pain as quickly as possible because it's really hard for us to see other people in pain.

And it's a theme for them when they watch us in pain. So, we learn these things from our parents and the way that our parents taught us how to deal with pain.

The way that they dealt with our pain as kids. You know, if they're the type of parent that says, oh, there's plenty of other fish in the sea.

first time you, you know, your, your high school boyfriend or high school sweetheart breaks up with you. Parents say that all the time, right?

There's plenty of fish in the sea. You'll find somebody else. That's not validating your pain. So, if that's the kind of thing that your parents said, then you may not have learned how to validate other people's pain, and they may not, even if you know how to, they may not have learned how to validate yours.

I think we actually have an epidemic in our society today of dismissing other people's pain. missing, trying to fix it, trying to look for the silver lining, trying to get them out of their pain instead of validating it, instead of sitting with them in it.

So that's something that I really, I encourage you to really see if you can open to the possibility of all of this, of this scenario that I just described, and to see if you can start practicing validating other people's pain, because that's how they learn to validate yours.

It's actually quite interesting how this happens when you really validate someone else's pain and you're willing to lean into that, even if it might not be something you fully understand or haven't experienced, like the struggles of being a parent.

And it can be really eye-opening for both parties to sit in that pain with them, validate it. Okay, there's another scenario where it's not clear if the other person is struggling or not.

I mean, I would just make the assumption that they are, but sometimes you get this kind of remark from someone you don't actually know all that well and you don't have their background, you don't even necessarily want to get into it.

And in those scenarios, maybe you do just chuckle and walk away and shift your mindset instead to, well, why do I even care if this person thinks it's so easy to not have

fits. Why do I even care if this random person who I don't want to build a relationship with believes that I'm lucky and they don't validate my pain?

Maybe that doesn't matter. Maybe it's not a random person who you don't know that well, that you really want to share your story with and validate your pain.

So maybe you do just chuckle and walk away from that scenario. Or you could try saying something like, well same thing actually, I don't feel very lucky as I really wanted kids and it sounds like maybe you're struggling and I'm sorry to hear that, but I just don't feel very lucky at this time in my life.

And wait to see how they respond, get comfortable with being uncomfortable. allow things to be awkward. That's I think one of the also something that we haven't been trained to do as humans is just to sit in silence and see what people come up with.

If you're awkward, it will feel awkward. If they're awkward but you're not, then it can be pretty interesting to just objectively look at that scenario and watch them respond.

Watch them respond with curiosity. Again, hmm, what is this person going to say when I respond like this? So those are some ideas and go back to the last episode actually, just one 20, where I talk about how to answer do you have kids and some of the steps to go through there.

Because there's a few things there that I haven't covered here. cover the last week. So, go back to episode 120, how to respond gracefully to do you have kids, and implement the steps there in the same way as you would here.

So, I would encourage you to do that. And I would love to know if you have other ways to respond to this.

me a DM, tell me what you think, tell me what successes you've had, what worked for you. I would love to hear that and be able to share that more broadly.

So, I would also encourage you to share this with someone who you think might need it and allow this kind of allow this podcast and allow more people to hear this podcast, especially if you think

they need it. And if you are someone who wants to know more, this is the last, as I said, the last episode in this series.

This is a whole module inside of my program. And so you can find out how to respond to all the different insensitive remarks and questions that people get as childless women, childless people.

So if you want more of this, send me a DM with podcast 121. Just DM me those words, podcast 121.

And let's start a conversation. You can find out more about how to get through these conversations authentically and with Grace.

That is it for today. also for another couple of weeks, I'm going to be taking a bit of a break from the podcast, just finishing.

out my summer with a little bit more space and I have lots of fun episodes, some great guests coming on in the fall and so I have lots of great things coming.

So come back in September and I will see you then. Bye for now. you