140: It's Not Grief That's Keeping You Stuck

This is something most childless women don't realize, and it's the thing that is keeping them stuck.

The grief you feel as a childless woman is real, but there’s something much bigger at play.

So many childless women I talk to tell me they feel stuck. They think it's grief. But they're wrong. I'm going to tell you why and the key to becoming unstuck.

The truth is, there are silent forces that have affected the way you view yourself, and they are the culprit. They are constantly running in the background, telling you that you are not worthy if you're not a mother. 

In this episode, I'll give you 5 signs that these forces are at play in your life, and give you the key to getting on the path to freedom.

I call it the Unbecoming Blueprint, and the women who go through it feel lighter, more self-assured, and FREE. 

If you want to know more about the Unbecoming Blueprint, click HERE to join the waitlist for the Women of Worth program

Where to find Sheri:
Instagram: @sherijohnsoncoaching
Website: sherijohnson.ca

Transcript

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Sheri Johnson: What if I told you that the grief that you're feeling isn't just about not having children? But it's actually about or encompasses something much bigger.

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Sheri Johnson: I was chatting with a client not too long ago, and I remember this so clearly, she said.

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Sheri Johnson: I lost both my parents. But this grief

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Sheri Johnson: around childlessness. This feels way harder than that.

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Sheri Johnson: I don't know if if I'll ever move past this.

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Sheri Johnson: But as we dug deeper she realized that what was actually keeping her stuck in what she thought was grief

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Sheri Johnson: wasn't actually the grief of not having a child.

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Sheri Johnson: It was the feeling that she wasn't worthy without one.

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Sheri Johnson: I want you to know.

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Sheri Johnson: That statement might have felt confronting

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Sheri Johnson: grief is real. You might be feeling grief.

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Sheri Johnson: but there's also something deeper at play that most women don't realize.

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Sheri Johnson: And today we're going to talk about that thing. Why so many childless women feel stuck?

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Sheri Johnson: Why, it might not actually be grief that's holding you back.

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Sheri Johnson: but something much deeper, and how my

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Sheri Johnson: becoming blueprint is actually the key to breaking free.

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Sheri Johnson: So if that sounds interesting to you, stay tuned.

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Sheri Johnson: welcome back to the awakening birth podcast I am really excited to share

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Sheri Johnson: what I want to tell you on this particular episode. This is really

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Sheri Johnson: this is the stuff. We're not talking about enough in the childless space. It's this, it's this is stuff that

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Sheri Johnson: is so powerful. When you can

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Sheri Johnson: unlearn it. I'm going to talk about unlearning in a minute.

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Sheri Johnson: and I don't know why we're not talking about it more because it actually impacts us. Yeah, sure, there is grief.

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Sheri Johnson: You might be feeling grief, not being able to live out the the dream that you imagined.

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Sheri Johnson: But I am going to guarantee that there is so much more at play. This is why

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Sheri Johnson: this thing that we're going to talk about today. This is why women who were ambivalent about having kids

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Sheri Johnson: still come to me for coaching. This is why women who chose not to have kids

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Sheri Johnson: come to me for coaching, because there's still something there that they're not sure how to get through. And it's keeping them stuck. It's keeping them from living an amazing life. It's keeping them from finding purpose. It's keeping them from finding their sense of belonging.

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Sheri Johnson: And this is what I want to share with you today.

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Sheri Johnson: So let me tell you my story about how I kind of came across this myself.

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Sheri Johnson: I remember the day that I was talking to a good friend of mine, and this friend has a child. She has one.

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Sheri Johnson: and this was after we had given up the quest to have children.

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Sheri Johnson: and I was trying to articulate something that I felt something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I was telling her that when I was contemplating giving up on fertility treatments and just living, you know, trying to live a happy, childless life.

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Sheri Johnson: I was worried that people wouldn't think I tried hard enough.

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Sheri Johnson: I was worried.

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Sheri Johnson: What people would think of me at all. I worried about fitting in. I worried about

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Sheri Johnson: a whole bunch of things that weren't actually about me. They were really about. What is my life going to look like? And how are the people around me going to treat me.

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Sheri Johnson: and she was actually the one who said I felt that, too, which kind of surprised me.

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Sheri Johnson: She said we only had one

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Sheri Johnson: and needed help to have another.

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Sheri Johnson: and we decided to leave it at just one.

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Sheri Johnson: And she said she felt judgment for that.

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Sheri Johnson: because people don't want you to just have one child. They want you to have more.

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Sheri Johnson: And so she was actually feeling that same judgment, that same societal thing, expectations, norms that I was.

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Sheri Johnson: and that was when it clicked for me that it was actually shame

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Sheri Johnson: about my my status that I couldn't have kids, that I didn't have kids and judgment.

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Sheri Johnson: That's what I was feeling, and that is different than grief.

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Sheri Johnson: I think that's the biggest

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Sheri Johnson: mistake. The the biggest problem within the childless space is that we're not differentiating between these 2 things. We're just talking about grief.

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Sheri Johnson: And behind that is something that is so important.

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Sheri Johnson: So after I came to this realization. I started researching this judgment.

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Sheri Johnson: I started looking at like, where does this come from? Why do I feel this way? How do I let it go, and I found that it really stems back to 2 things.

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Sheri Johnson: patriarchy and pronatalism.

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Sheri Johnson: Maybe they're one and the same pronatalism is sort of part of patriarchy. But these 2 things have shaped society's definition of a worthy woman.

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Sheri Johnson: So here are some ways that you've probably been shaped by this from childhood.

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Sheri Johnson: From the time we're little girls. We hear that being a mom is the most important job in the world. I hear people say this all the time.

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Sheri Johnson: and it's also why, it's taboo to say that you maybe don't like taking care of your kids.

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Sheri Johnson: You know. People will only admit that

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Sheri Johnson: behind closed doors that they would rather be at work than at home, playing with their infant

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Sheri Johnson: or their toddler.

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Sheri Johnson: And yet.

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Sheri Johnson: on the face of it, to the world, they'll say that. Well, no, being a mom is the most important job in the world, and maybe it is, but it's the fact that they can't talk about anything besides that.

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Sheri Johnson: or they can't admit anything besides that.

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Sheri Johnson: the other way that this comes up is religious and cultural narratives that really reinforce that a woman's highest purpose is to be a mother.

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Sheri Johnson: This. It's hard to talk to anybody who

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Sheri Johnson: has a religious background where they don't talk about how it's difficult to be in church, how church is so

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Sheri Johnson: focused around families and motherhood.

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Sheri Johnson: So I can get into. There's a whole bunch of stuff we can talk about in that context. And this isn't about knocking your religion. I grew up in a religious home. I still I coach many women who are religious

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Sheri Johnson: from various backgrounds, actually very various religious backgrounds, Christianity, Muslim, other.

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Sheri Johnson: And so it's not about knocking that religion. It's bringing to light the conditioning that has

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Sheri Johnson: come with being a part of that religion or that culture. It's not just religion, it's culture.

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Sheri Johnson: And then the 3rd piece, actually.

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Sheri Johnson: there was 4 4 things that I want to tell you about that have shaped this definition of a worthy woman. So the 3rd one is governments.

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Sheri Johnson: Governments create policies that favor parents.

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Sheri Johnson: tax breaks for for parents, long parental leaves.

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Sheri Johnson: and childless women are often left out of that equation. And in fact, we're often the ones paying for children's education. These tax breaks, the things that parents get to take advantage of.

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Sheri Johnson: And then the 4th

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Sheri Johnson: influence on this societal definition of a worthy woman is the media. The media glorifies motherhood

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Sheri Johnson: while subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, portraying childless women as less fulfilled, selfish and sad, miserable.

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Sheri Johnson: So those are 4 really strong influences

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Sheri Johnson: that may have that are all patriarchal and pronatalist that may have shaped how you feel about yourself the beliefs that you have about yourself.

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Sheri Johnson: So what happens when you internalize this kind of messaging. While these are beliefs, it turns into

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Sheri Johnson: this messaging turns into a belief in a child's mind who can't take a broader view of the world.

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Sheri Johnson: This will become ingrained from a very young age, and even now.

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Sheri Johnson: you know, we have feminists. We have women who are

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Sheri Johnson: who are rising up against this.

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Sheri Johnson: But even if you consciously reject it.

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Sheri Johnson: it often will still run in the background.

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Sheri Johnson: It's the subconscious beliefs, those deeply ingrained beliefs that you don't even know you have

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Sheri Johnson: that are really running the show.

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Sheri Johnson: So here's some signs for you that maybe you have picked up some beliefs like this that you're feeling this internalized messaging

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Sheri Johnson: number one. Maybe you feel like you need to prove yourself in other ways. So you need to have some big purpose or some

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Sheri Johnson: some big plan. B, you need to be. You need to have some

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Sheri Johnson: meaningful way to make up for not having kids.

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Sheri Johnson: Maybe you, this is number 2. Maybe you second guess your worth, and where you fit in. If I'm not a mother, where where do I fit in in the world.

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Sheri Johnson: in my social circles, in my religion in my culture.

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Sheri Johnson: The 3rd one, maybe you feel like you have to justify why you don't have kids

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Sheri Johnson: or you overcompensate in other areas of your life. So maybe you're the one who is staying longer at work

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Sheri Johnson: while the mothers or parents leave at 5 to go pick up their kids. So you're staying late, arriving early, trying to climb that corporate ladder, trying to overcompensate

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Sheri Johnson: another one. Number 4. You stifle your voice when it comes to opinions about parenting. I talked about this on the last episode.

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Sheri Johnson: where we will keep ourselves playing small

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Sheri Johnson: because we don't feel that our opinion counts when it comes to anything that has to do with children or parenting.

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Sheri Johnson: Jd. Vance confirmed this when he said that a childless woman doesn't have any stake in America.

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Sheri Johnson: I don't even live in America. But that's the kind of thing that we hear our opinions, our second

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Sheri Johnson: to parents.

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Sheri Johnson: And if you believe that, then you're going to stifle your voice. You're not going to share your opinion with your friends who are talking about something that they're struggling with about parenting.

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Sheri Johnson: And then the last one there's there's so many more. But I'm going to leave it at 5

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Sheri Johnson: here. There's so many other signs, but

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Sheri Johnson: the last the last one I want to talk about is people pleasing, so

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Sheri Johnson: childless women are known for this we people please. We say yes to the volunteering that a parent can't, doesn't have time, for we will take on the extra work at at work

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Sheri Johnson: will say yes to doing the traveling, to get to the family that has kids to get to your siblings or your parents, so that the one the your siblings who have kids don't have to do the traveling they don't have to, because they're too busy.

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Sheri Johnson: And I bought into this. I was the people pleaser.

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Sheri Johnson: So those are 5 signs that you might be running this

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Sheri Johnson: this patriarchal and pronatalist ideology in your subconscious.

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Sheri Johnson: But the truth is that there's actually nothing wrong with you.

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Sheri Johnson: And if you're feeling these signs, it's not actually your fault.

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Sheri Johnson: It's these deeply ingrained societal norms that we have been living with for millennia.

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Sheri Johnson: The world wasn't, by the way, wasn't always like this. There were.

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Sheri Johnson: There are lots of evidence that our I don't know. Our ancestors

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Sheri Johnson: did not live in this kind of environment, but we're matriarchal tribes, matriarchal societies

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Sheri Johnson: that would have had a very different feel to them.

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Sheri Johnson: Okay, more on that. That's a whole other episode.

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Sheri Johnson: Okay, so let's talk about why this feels like grief. But it's not grief.

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Sheri Johnson: Because what you're feeling might not actually be grief at all.

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Sheri Johnson: So many women say that they're grieving like my client

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Sheri Johnson: thought she was grieving. She said, this grief is so much worse

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Sheri Johnson: than the grief that I felt when my parents passed away.

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Sheri Johnson: But what if the thing that's keeping you stuck, and the thing that wasn't keeping my clients stuck. What if that's not grief at all?

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Sheri Johnson: So grief grief is real, there is disenfranchised grief around

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Sheri Johnson: becoming childless. If you spent your life wanting children, and now you, you are left

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Sheri Johnson: with the loss of that dream, your imagined future

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Sheri Johnson: that is a loss, and the grief around that is very real

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Sheri Johnson: for some women. Not all. If you were ambivalent about having kids, you might not feel that deep level of grief.

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Sheri Johnson: But what a lot of women call grief

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Sheri Johnson: or lump in with that, grief is actually something different, a few different things.

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Sheri Johnson: So one of them is a loss of identity.

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Sheri Johnson: Feeling like you're floating without purpose.

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Sheri Johnson: because you always thought your purpose would be to have children. And now

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Sheri Johnson: you thought you were going to have this identity, this motherhood, and

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Sheri Johnson: up until now, or maybe not up until now, depending on how long, how long it's been since you

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Sheri Johnson: recognized or accepted that you're not going to have children ever

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Sheri Johnson: up until then you you at least had the identity of someone who was planning to have kids.

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Sheri Johnson: And now you've lost that identity. So you might feel like you're a little bit lost

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Sheri Johnson: floating through the world without a defined purpose.

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Sheri Johnson: You might feel a loss of belonging.

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Sheri Johnson: So I've talked about this on the podcast before feeling left out of conversations, feeling left out of friend groups.

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Sheri Johnson: all the sports events where the moms are gathering or the parents are gathering. Travel with.

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Sheri Johnson: you know, friend, your your friendship circles, even family dynamics.

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Sheri Johnson: You may feel a lack of belonging in your own family.

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Sheri Johnson: something else that you might feel that you're thinking is, grief is self-doubt and unworthiness. So questioning your value

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Sheri Johnson: because society told you that you're less than if you don't have kids

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Sheri Johnson: that you're not contributing in the same way to society as a mother or a parent.

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Sheri Johnson: You're not contributing the same level of value.

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Sheri Johnson: So you might feel this less than this feeling of being unworthy.

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Sheri Johnson: and you might also feel resentment and comparison, and that also gets lumped in with grief, not because even

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Sheri Johnson: because you necessarily want a child, although you might have, you might not have. Maybe you were one of the ones who was ambivalent.

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Sheri Johnson: You feel resentment because it feels unfair that motherhood grants women more worth.

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Sheri Johnson: So we compare ourselves to a mother, and feel resentful or envious

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Sheri Johnson: of them, because they seem to have more worth in our society.

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Sheri Johnson: and this is why so many women stay stuck. I've had women in my inside of my program who are who are 70,

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Sheri Johnson: and still feeling this, this judgment, this these societal expectations, these this societal conditioning, these beliefs about themselves

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Sheri Johnson: because they had they'd been working with grief or thought they were working with grief and never had a way to process

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Sheri Johnson: this.

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Sheri Johnson: So

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Sheri Johnson: what happens is, women think that they need to process grief, or that they have to live with grief.

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Sheri Johnson: That messaging is out there. This is something we have to grow around. You need to grow around your grief, or you need to live with it, when what you actually need is to just unlearn the these messages, these beliefs that have made you feel unworthy in the 1st place.

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Sheri Johnson: So that's the 1st step to this

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Sheri Johnson: is, it's not adding anything new. It's not.

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Sheri Johnson: It's not trying to get through

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Sheri Johnson: the grief. It's not trying to just move forward.

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Sheri Johnson: It's about unlearning what has kept you small.

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Sheri Johnson: So I use the unbecoming blueprint inside of my program to do this. And this is what that is, it's the process of stripping away the conditioning that made you believe that your worth was tied to motherhood.

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Sheri Johnson: This blueprint, this unbecoming unlearning. It's about recognizing that you are already enough without needing to prove it. And again, that's something that we can intellectualize. We can, we can consciously think, yes, I'm worthy. Yes, I am enough. Yes, I have confidence. I'm worthy. I like.

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Sheri Johnson: I'm a prominent citizen in society, and yet this underlying

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Sheri Johnson: somehow we feel less than that is what that is, what needs undoing.

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Sheri Johnson: So it's about recognizing that you're already enough that you are worthy without needing to prove it.

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Sheri Johnson: And it's also about shedding the old stories that have shaped your self-doubt and rewriting those stories.

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Sheri Johnson: Now, what happens when you actually go through this process?

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Sheri Johnson: You stop feeling like you have to explain yourself

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Sheri Johnson: feeling like you need to make sure that people know that you wanted kids when they ask

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Sheri Johnson: if you have them, or that you have nieces and nephews, or that you're a dog, mom. All these are all forms of co-opting ourselves into motherhood and nurturing.

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Sheri Johnson: These are forms of co-opting ourselves into motherhood and nurturing, showing that we're not selfish.

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Sheri Johnson: What else happens when you go through this unbecoming blueprint?

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Sheri Johnson: You let go of comparison and resentment, and even envy can loosen its grip.

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Sheri Johnson: And that's when you can really start to create a life that feels exciting, that feels free, that feels

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Sheri Johnson: at peace without the weight of societal judgment that might still be there. But you won't feel it.

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Sheri Johnson: You won't need to worry about what people think of you

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Sheri Johnson: if you're no longer sad, because if you are worried that people will think

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Sheri Johnson: something poorly of you. If you're not sad about your situation, then you're not going to show that you have a really exciting life. You're going to hide that.

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Sheri Johnson: even if you do have an exciting life

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Sheri Johnson: and a great or a great life, whatever you want to call that exciting, peaceful.

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Sheri Johnson: extraordinary, amazing, or just a life you love.

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Sheri Johnson: The women who go through this process feel lighter, they feel more self-assured, and they feel free.

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Sheri Johnson: Once you go through the unbecoming, you're able to step into a new level of self-worth and belonging

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Sheri Johnson: and purpose.

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Sheri Johnson: And that's what we do inside of the women of worth.

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Sheri Johnson: So if this is resonating with you.

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Sheri Johnson: if you found this podcast it's actually a sign that you're ready for this transformation.

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Sheri Johnson: Maybe you've even worked through some of the grief, or what you thought was grief, or what was grief. But you still have this lingering other stuff.

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Sheri Johnson: and that's what you're ready to let go of.

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Sheri Johnson: So what happened with my client, who

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Sheri Johnson: was felt like she was feeling so much grief. She's been beginning to what she's been able to do

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Sheri Johnson: is tease apart

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Sheri Johnson: what she was feeling separate grief from all of the other emotions and things that she was feeling, and that's when she was able to unwind. Oh, this is where that came from, and this is what I can do

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Sheri Johnson: to change this belief.

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Sheri Johnson: And now she's she's on the path. She's still with me. She's in the program now, so she's on the path to creating a life that she loves. She's letting go

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Sheri Johnson: of all of this, what she thought was grief, all of this other stuff.

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Sheri Johnson: So if you want that, if you want to

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Sheri Johnson: tease out, tease apart what you're feeling and get to this. Maybe subconscious programming that we've all been subject to.

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Sheri Johnson: Here's what to do next.

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Sheri Johnson: Send me an email.

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Sheri Johnson: Send me an email with the word worthy.

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Sheri Johnson: and I will send you some information I'll send you. We'll start a chat. We can message on email.

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Sheri Johnson: I'll tell you a little more about

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Sheri Johnson: what the program is all about.

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Sheri Johnson: We'll chat about where you are in your journey, whether this is the right thing for you, and and then we can chat, live if you want to. But the the 1st step is to send me an email at sherry at Sherryjohnsonca sherry at Sherryjohnsonca. That's in the show notes. So the spelling is SHER. I,

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Sheri Johnson: and send me an email. All you need to do is type in the word worthy.

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Sheri Johnson: and we'll get started.

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Sheri Johnson: Okay, that is it for today.

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Sheri Johnson: Come back next week for another episode, and we'll go from there. Thanks. So much for listening. If you found value in this, if this

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Sheri Johnson: resonated with you, please share it.

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Sheri Johnson: give it a gold star, whatever platform you're on. Give me a review.

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Sheri Johnson: and I would so appreciate that because that is what's going to help other childless women to hear this information and know that they are not alone on this journey.

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Sheri Johnson: Okay, that's it for today, bye, for now